Man Down!

Do you ever feel like no matter how many times you try, no matter all the effort you put in to make something go right, there is just that one thing that ruins it all? That's how I feel right now. I am someone who likes to have all their ducks in a row. There isn't much room for mistake when it comes to my actions. I try to put my best foot forward when it comes to my education and my jobs, when saving money, when it comes to my appearance, etc. For most of my life, it has been engrained into me that the world doesn't really care about you, so you have to care about yourself. Almost like the saying, "every man for themselves." Although it's very stressful and more of a survival mindset, it has gotten me places.

Let me get personal for a second. I am graduating from community college in about 2 months. I have 3 classes left and then I am transferring to my dream university. I am finishing up my Spring Semester with finals and what not. I was really striving to get all As this semester. What a turn that took. One 100%, one 95%, and one 97% suddenly went to one 100%, one 95%, and one 76%. I often find a way out of these things. If there was ever a mistake made, it was usually mine to fix. Not this time. I did everything perfectly. I studied, I participated in class, I finished all of my assignments on time, I was respectful to my peers and my professors. So, what went wrong? I'll tell you what went wrong. Academic Dishonesty. Not on my part, but my professor's. It behooves me how we can get in trouble for academic dishonesty, but the professors can't. I had the great pleasure of dealing with one of the most difficult and challenging people I have ever met in my entire life. I was being sarcastic if you couldn't tell. My professor changed his policy over halfway through the semester. You know those people who just can't be wrong? Like they refuse, even if it means lying, and negatively impacting another person's life. Hopefully that paints a picture of the kind of person I was dealing with. But I would rather not go into all of that out of the fact that I do not want to provoke uncontrolled crying and screaming into my pillow.

Furthermore, I did everything I could. I spoke to the dean. I spoke to my professor and tried to negotiate my way out of this false grading and lack of communication. I had multiple meetings with counselors, Presidents, etc. Nothing, they could do absolutely nothing. Keep in mind, I paid for this education. This is what I paid for. If I'm being completely honest, I think college professors forget that the only reason they are getting paid is because of the students. This isn't a public school, this isn't elementary school. This is paid for college. Emphasis on the word "paid." I can't tell you how many times in the past 3 months I have screamed in my room, vented to my parents, and had 2-hour long prayer sessions with Jesus. After all of the academic torture and mediocre service I have dealt with, I have decided to preserve my peace and give up. It takes a lot for me to give up. If you ever meet my boyfriend, he will tell you that I am a very stubborn person and probably the most stubborn person he has ever met. It's a blessing and a curse. I realized that stressing over this was eating at me more than I would like to admit.

Now here we are. Almost at the end of an era. An era I would love to kick, punch, and sweep. An era I would love to leave behind and get a restraining order against as if it were a bad ex. What have I learned from this? I would go mentally insane if I didn't have Jesus. Lock me up in an asylum and call me Bonkers Bella. Which leads me to another issue that drives me crazy. Scholarships. They might as well be as accessible as furniture that is so idiotically placed on the highest shelf of a furniture store. You always see them when you're walking around, but you can never reach them. Why is a couch 3 stories up in the air? Why are cushioned pillows 4 stories up in the air? Now, I've got to call over a representative and ask for them to get the couch. Now the representative has to get an entire crew. Now the crew has to get a machine to reach the couch because who puts a big ole' couch that high in the sky? And now, I have to awkwardly watch the representative and crew try and safely work the machine to bring the couch down to planet earth. And all for what? Just so I can look at it and find out that it doesn't match my curtains? You might be wondering what this has to do with scholarships. Let me explain. There are a bunch of scholarships, sure. That I won't disagree with. Whether or not they are accessible is an entirely different story. You have to have all of these unimportant qualifications just to be eligible to apply. You must be a rare breed of Black, Chinese, Dominican, and Taino Indian, and they have to be in that order. You must be exactly 5'11 in 3in heels. You have to live in a yellow house. You have to eat chicken with your feet. You must speak Portuguese and Russian, but you can't have learned the languages within 2 years of each other. The qualifications are insane. And then when you finally do apply, some other rando who doesn't even go to school, gets the scholarship.

I am at the point where I have lost all hope and trust in humanity. Never in my 20 years would I have thought that getting a single scholarship would be this difficult. I don't mind writing essays; I don't mind writing interest letters. I don't mind getting letters of recommendation. But when it gets this far, I have no choice but to preserve my peace. People ask me why I'm a Christian. This is why. Humanity has disappointed me so much. Humanity has ruined every good thing that God has created. I'm so sorry if this is just one big mellow depressing complaint for you but someone has to say it. The human race is overall one big bully. It makes me understand why the entire earth was flooded. Don't take this as me speaking on behalf of God, this is me speaking for myself. Look at everything we've done. We've corrupted our morals. We've stolen, lied, cheated, deceived. And people really wonder why the entire world was flooded. Look at us! Thank God for God's grace, mercy, love and patience that is new every day. I often look back at the book of Genesis in the Bible. God created everything and saw that it was good. He created the waters of the world, the lands and the mountains, the creatures that roam the earth. He provided food for Adam. He provided a partner for Adam. And God saw that it was good. Now look at what we've done to it. Partners regularly cheat on each other. The world has polluted the waters with our waste. We have wasted food and poisoned it. We have become more concerned with money and will do anything to get it, even if it means cheating others. We have burnt most of our forests. We have let hatred and anger control our actions. I'm going to leave it at that. But when you or someone else asks me why I believe in God and why I have a relationship with Him, this is why. Because even in all the mess of our actions, in all the mess of our selfishness, I still find a safe haven in Him.

Here's the turnaround for all of this. Yesterday, when I was at church, my pastor was preaching a sermon on Daniel chapter 3. I think this is one of the most powerful chapters in the entire Bible, along with others. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego thrown into the fiery furnace, and they came out unsinged, not even smelling of smoke, and without blemish nor burn. I often associate the fiery furnace with my trials and tribulations, but I also associate with the world overall. I've been truly seeking to figure out how to be in the midst of a fiery furnace but having complete and utter peace. How do I come out unsinged? Let me answer that for you. Jesus. Even after all of the terrible things that I have listed above, I still have Jesus. Even though these things are out of my control, I still have Jesus. Hopefully that shows you something. As someone who loves to control my situations, I have never been so happy to not have control and to just give it over to Jesus. I know the title says Man Down, and in some cases it is true. I am burnt out, I am unable, I am tired, I am quite frankly peeved to the max, and I am hysterical. But my God isn't. And that's a great thing to know.