Bittersweet Goodbyes

Has any one, besides myself, been super excited for something? Like for months ahead of time, you just couldn't wait for this one thing to happen, and then you get there and while you're still excited, it means leaving a season of your life behind. Well that's kind of how I feel right now. As some of y'all know, I am leaving for my dream school pretty soon. In 2 days actually, is when I leave. I have been obsessed with this school since my freshman year of high school. I love everything about it. The alumni and professors, the students, the student life activities, as well as how this school is so connected to God. Everything about it is perfect for me. Now obviously I know that I will have some ups and downs because life is just like that, but this school is just...superlative, to me at least. Anyways, like I said, I leave in 2 days. For those who don't know, I am 20 years old and I've only been away from my family for 2 months at the most, and even that was a lot for me. Now I'm not sure if it's the amount of time I'll be away from my family and my home church that is making me feel this way. I'm pretty sure that it is the feeling of leaving. Now I know that sounds so cut and dry, so let me explain. Since I was little, I have always been super sensitive, extremely sensitive. I've been that way for as long as I can remember. And there are just certain events and feelings that impact me a lot more than others. Leaving is one of them. I hate the feeling that I am leaving something or someone behind. It makes me feel almost like I'm abandoning them. And not that I'm mother earth or some great saint, but it almost makes me more sad to leave someone or something behind as opposed to being left-well I mean for the right reasons.

Obviously if you leave someone because they don't have the nicest clothes or the nicest car then yeah I might look at you weird. But if you're leaving to go on vacation or to start a new season of your life, I will never look down on that, because I understand. You would think that this understanding for other people would apply to myself. The feeling of leaving someone breaks my heart. It's gutwrenching for me. So you can imagine how I feel right now. Even though I am embarking on this great adventure that God has called me to, it doesn't take away the feeling that I am leaving everyone. I'm leaving my home. I'm leaving my home church. I'm leaving all of the people that I love. And yes, it's not like I'm committing some felony by going away to college. But it's all of the memories. All of the comfort that I receive from being around these people. Like my mom. Everyday when I come home from my internship, she's always asking me how my day was and we talk for some time. Or when she stays up late watching tv and I sit next to her and we just joke around or yell at the TV (That's moreso me). Or my sister. She goes with me to the track every other day and we run together and laugh when we do something stupid. Or how she is always willing to goof off with me over the dumbest things. Or maybe my stepdad, and how he's always messing with mom and winking at us to make sure we're in on it. My family isn't just exclusive to my biological relationships, but my spiritual relationships. My church family, boy am I going to miss them. Pastor always reminded me of my own dad because they joke in the same way and are both so outgoing and comical. Or Diamon from the sound room. I love talking to her and laughing with her every Sunday morning and Sunday night when we have our prayer night. Then there's Kevin who is always messing around and wearing his cool hats. Those are just a few examples. But these are all people who have made an impact on my life. So I'm sure you can see why it's so hard for me to say goodbye.

Now that doesn't take away from the amazing things that are going to happen in the next few months. I mean for goodness' sake, myself and my mom have worked a long time to make this happen. And now it's finally coming to fruition. There is always one extremely reassuring thing that I have learned through all of this. Jesus is with you no matter where you are. It doesn't matter what zip code you're in. It doesn't matter what town or city you're in. You could be halfway across the world and He will still be with you. I can't tell you how reassuring that is. Because in order for me to know love from my family both biological and spiritual, I had to know Jesus, because He is love. So if I have Him, I know that I carry those memories and feelings with me wherever I go. Those moments of laughing with my sister, or watching tv with my mom, talking to Kevin or Diamon. Those things never go away because I have Jesus.