A Need for Speed

Do you ever feel like you are incredibly behind everyone else? I turned 20 about 2 months ago, and boy oh boy what a weird feeling it is. Almost everyone my age is getting married, buying houses, having children, etc. While the confusion of being a teenage adult is gone, I find myself wanting all of the things that I can't have. A girl I follow on Instagram got engaged a month ago and got married today. Wow, just wow. I don't know how people do it.

It has been my dream since I was a little girl to get married. Besides all of the glitz and glamor, I found myself wanting deep companionship. Of course I am happy in my relationship with my partner, but that happiness makes me so eager and excited to just take the next step. But I find that all of these things are in my way. I remember being told that going to college and getting an education would boost you and push you lightyears in front of those who chose not to go to school. Now don't misinterpret this. I am not saying that I was told that I am better than those who do not go to college. That is not what is being said. I was told things like, "If you go to college, you will come out with a good sustainable job that offers you benefits and success." Don't get me wrong, college is very useful, and I would never say that I regret going to school, but right now, I find that the completion of it, is getting in the way of something I have dreamed of since I was little.

In addition, I find that everyone my age who is or has not gone to school is doing better than I am. Those are the people who only have to worry about work and saving up for downpayments on houses. Those are the people who are getting married, and I can't help but wonder, if they can do it, why can't I? I remember being told that the only way I could ever afford a wedding was to go to college and get a good job. It doesn't seem that way anymore. I know everyone says not to compare yourself to other people, but that's easier said than done. I've got this mental clock that has very specific pinpoints that I should have accomplished at a certain time in my life. I can't get away from it because it all seems correct and sensible. I should be married by 22 or 23 so that my husband and I can have 2-3 years of travelling and just living together and enjoying the things that newlyweds do. Around 24 or 25, I want to have my first child. The second at 26 or 27, and Lord willing, the 3rd at 28 or 29. You might be saying, "But Isabella that is so young to have kids." Let's really think about this. I don't want my kids to be planning my funeral in their 30s or 40s. I want to be alive and well to participate in the big moments. I want to be present for the birth of my grandchildren. I want to see my family achieve great milestones in their lives. I don't want to be known as the mother who never had time for her children or grandchildren. I don't want to be known as the one who is always in some kind of hospital facility. I want to be alive and well to see my children and grandchildren grow. When you really think about it, a person's life is only so long. In my eyes, this life is not long at all. Since it is not long, I do not want the core of how my family sees me, to be tied to a sickness or health issues that unfortunately comes along with ageing.

I told y'all that I am a planner. But hopefully that makes sense. That's why I feel such an eagerness to get married and get on with my life. There is also a part of me that feels a little selfish. My partner and I live in 2 different states, and while we are only an hour away, we are limited to when we can see each other. Although we are 20, we still have to ask permission to see each other. And while I am okay with that, when other people enter the picture, I can't help but look at how they live. Let me explain properly. When you were a kid, and you saw someone who had something that you want, and they flaunted it as they should, how do you feel? Of course, I am not going to bash couples who have the blessing of marriage, but for the love of all things good, I want nothing more- I mean besides Jesus. Seeing the epitome of a Jesus centered marriage just reminds me that I wish I had those things. I wish I could say that I am saving for a downpayment on a home. I wish I could say that I am engaged. I wish I could legitimately plan my wedding instead of making Pinterest boards and google slides to buy time. I wish I didn't feel so behind.

I often have to remind myself that this pressure I put on myself is so...aching. For goodness' sake, I am only 20. I wonder why I think this way. Of course, all of the reasons I listed are pretty sensible, but there has got to be something wrong with them if it causes this much turmoil for me. Why do I feel the need to be at the same level that others are at? Why do I compare so much? Why do I worry so much? I'm still figuring out the answers to those questions, but hopefully this little talk helps someone in realizing that they are not the only ones who feel like this.